How Your Love 'Story' Affects The Destiny Of Your Relationships
Updated: Aug 14, 2019
3 Steps to Exploring Your Story To Create A New Ending
With Valentine's Day passing I keep finding myself ruminating about love.
I'm not referring to the rush of emotions we experience during the honeymoon faze of a new relationship that leaves your heart racing and butterflies dancing in your stomach.
Researchers report that falling in love is similar to the sensation of feeling addicted to drugs with a euphoric release due to the surge of brain chemicals dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin, and vasopressin.
Most of my relationships ended because after the feeling of being in love faded I thought the love was gone.
Little did I know this was when the relationship was actually beginning.
It's easy to confuse the honeymoon faze as love but it's merely an opportunity two people are given to become love through the course of their relationship.
To become love is to release all negative judgement, change the story and love people for exactly who they are.
“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” - Dr. Wayne Dyer
Our “Stories” Become The Story
It's easy to create stories about our partner based on their past, wounds from our past relationships, or other peoples perceptions.
These stories end up creating a wall between us and our partner. Over time the wall can become sky-high and we can no longer see over it.
Facing obstacles can be terrifying without being aware of our story and how it’s affecting our reality.
This can lead to doubting the relationship and possibly the belief that we may have chosen the wrong partner.
Eventually, we start losing hope and the courage to climb the wall.
Once the relationship ends we're able to validate the story we created hoping for another chance at love oblivious to the fact that history will repeat itself.
We've all made mistakes that have caused great relationships to come to an end. So where do we gain the wisdom to become more than we once were, in order to create something we've never had?
Guilt Causes Relationships To Change
A Course in Miracles doesn't teach the meaning of love but was designed to remove the blocks to the awareness of love's presence.
The introduction states that the opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite. With that being said, fear is something we have learned. It was a mistake created by our mind and used as a coping mechanism. Fear is the only thing blocking our awareness of love in our life.
Since we were wounded in relationships it will be within relationships that we will find our healing.
The course teaches, that special relationships shift and change so frequently because of fear. The fear is caused by underlying guilt.
The Beginning Of Our Stories
As children, we are fearless, vulnerable, and know only love because that's how we were created to be.
Early life experiences shape our internal world which continues to affect our life as adults.
Since we can't think rationally at such a young age it's hard to understand the intentions of anothers behavior.
An innocent interaction can be internalized negatively and our perception of it creates a belief.
A story is then created around the belief about ourselves, situations, and others. The belief combined with our story can be considered a wound. The wound is surrounded by fear as a form of protection in order to not get hurt again.
We are also unconsciously adopting the stories of our parents and/or guardians. For example, watching a parent struggle with an on-going cycle of unhealthy relationships would influence our current beliefs causing our future to be just like their past.
The opposite is also true. If our parents and/or guardians had healthy and satisfying relationships we will most likely recreate a similar blueprint.
One of the deepest fears connected to our stories is the belief that we are not good enough or not worthy of love. Our life becomes a journey of not only protecting but also defending ourselves and these “stories”.
Why Stories Matter
Stories establish your beliefs about:
Who you are
Who others are
Why things happen
What is possible or impossible
What you think will happen
Who you should or shouldn't be with in a relationship
These stories become our truth and the automatic “background” programming of our subconscious mind.
Doctors and scientists, such as Bruce Lipton, have shown that 95 - 99% of our emotions, decision, actions, and behavior comes from the programming of our subconscious mind.
As adults, it's now our subconscious beliefs that shape our perception to confirm our internal stories.
*Are you ready for the curve ball?
Once one of our beliefs is triggered, we start living and fully experiencing our story and this activates “protective” subconscious behaviors.
We move into the subconscious mind and revert to past thoughts, behaviors, and actions because of the possible threat. Its only job is to keep you safe and will return to familiar territory.
Welcome to auto-pilot! This is where we are no longer in control and willingly take our hands off of the sterring wheel.
The subconscious says, “Hey, I got this, I'll take it from here. You can go back to sleep.” These behaviors are considered patterns.
An unawareness of these patterns will lead to creating a future that looks just like the past.
In Dr. Brene Brown's book, Rising Strong, she writes, “When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.”
Decide To Be Willing To SEE
Since fear was developed to protect us and now surrounds our wounds (our story + belief about ourself or another) it isn't easy to identify when it's controlling our decisions, actions, or emotions.
It’s impossible to change something we aren’t conscious of.
After you decide to look within and acknowledge the fear, you will be given the opportunity to accept it so you can consciously change it.
The opportunity arises the moment an outside interaction creates an internal stimulation of body sensations. This is where you pause and simply become curious of what is happening within.
I call this compassionate curiosity.
When I started to look inward, I made the mistake of criticizing myself. My internal voice only got louder and meaner.
The growth I was desperately seeking was stalled because I couldn't let go of the past when I was still judging what I did.
You are lovely... You are pure... you are PERFECT. I sincerely suggest that you accept all that you find with the same love you so gracefully give to others.
Give yourself grace because you DESERVE it.
We ALL have stories effecting our current relationships and we all have the power to change them.
3 Steps To Compassionate Curiosity:
If you knew your beliefs created your reality, would you still choose to believe what you believe?
1. What story or stories have I been telling myself? What is the story you tell yourself about past and present relationships or a potential relationship?
What is your family story?
What is your story around current friendships?
What is your story around having and developing friendships with the same sex and opposite sex?
What is your story around your body, eating habits, body image, and health?
What is your story around money? Career? Bills?
What is your story with your children or having children?
It’s important to determine how these stories are influencing your experience. Which stories are beneficial to keep and which ones do you need to rewrite?
2. Lets explore new alternatives.
Who Am I?
Who do I want become?
Why do similar reoccurring events happen?
How will these future events happen?
If there are limits, what is impossible?
If there were no limits, what is possible?
My clients have life changing breakthroughs when we identify their stories and explore alternative narratives.
The stories aren’t always true but it changes their experience since they are no longer operating within the same level of consciousness.
Their awareness allows them to take actionable steps in their desired direction instead of being led by a voice of their past.
A new future is possible by creating opportunities for changed behavior that leads to a brighter future.
3. A New Future is Born
Close your eyes and just imagine what your life would look like if you always had supportive and faithful stories.
What did you see?
“Logic will take you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” - Albert Einstein
In this moment you can start creating a brand new future.
Are you ready to take the next step? Download 5 Steps to Rewrite Your Story to start experiencing more love in your relationships.
The Gift of Self-Awareness
Whether you are in a loving relationship or single, becoming aware of your stories is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give to your partner and/or yourself.
Becoming self-aware will help you create deeper and more meaningful relationships built on a foundation that will not crumble in the midst of adversity.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world and I believe that a committed union or marriage is a wonderful tool that will help heal the world when used for the purpose of spiritual growth.
As we heal the world heals.
Love you ALL,